The past 3 1/2 weeks have been excruciating, filled with sleepless nights and many emotional breakdowns. For the longest time, I just kept thinking why? Why, with all of the horrible people in this world that don't deserve to breathe, it had to be my wonderful, kind-hearted, LOVING grandfather who I most days don't think I can live without. I can't sleep in my bed in the cold dorm anymore; all I remember is waking up that morning and getting that phone call.
Being home for Thanksgiving was needed, and for the most part breakdown-free. I had my moments, mostly because no matter how many times I told her, my mom insisted on constantly reliving that morning, talking about the calls she got and how she'll never forget my scream after she told me that gramps was gone. I know she's having a hard time dealing with it, but after telling her 9 times I don't want to talk about that day, you'd think she'd get it. My grandpa filled the void in her heart/life when she lost her dad to encephalitis in January 1993, so it's like losing her dad all over again. I don't blame her for being upset, but upsetting me isn't going to make things any easier, and remembering the day we lost him isn't the best way to deal with things. I love talking about the memories I have with my grandpa; him visiting when he got off duty at the fire station when I was little, going out to breakfast with him and the other firefighters (something no other woman got to do haha), and Christmas mornings with them at our house right up until this last Christmas. However, talking about the day that is inevitably the worst day of my life to date just makes things worse. I'm trying to be strong because I know that's what he'd want me to do, but when the phone call keeps replaying over and over in my head, it makes it excruciatingly difficult.
My dad mentioned to my mom on that awful day "How do you have Christmas without Santa?" Christmas is going to hurt this year....because it's going to be the first Christmas of the rest of my life without my Santa. I loved that man with everything that I had, and I honestly don't know how I've not lost my mind without him. The past 22 years were perfect, but how will the next who-knows how many be? So many things he's going to miss; my college graduation, my grad school graduation, my wedding, the birth of my first child....SO many things he's not going to be a part of physically that I would give ANYTHING for him to be.
I know he'll be there in spirit, but how I long for one more hug from those strong arms and to hear his kind voice call me his Little Sweetheart one last time. He was, and always will be, my hero. He accomplished so much and impacted so many people in his 84 years on this earth that words can't even express how much he inspired me to be all that I can be. I attribute so much of what I've done and of who I am to him. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today", "If you put your mind to it, you can do it", and most importantly, "I have faith in you; I believe you can do it" are some of the many things he taught me. Having him as my grandfather for 22 AMAZING years was life-altering, as it made me who I am today. But losing him, especially so suddenly, has altered my life in a way that I cannot even begin to express. It's reminded me to always make time for those I hold dear, because I never know when they can be taken away. It's taught me how always being there for others is not just a good deed, but a requirement. It's taught me that being a leader no matter the situation can inspire an entire community, a community that now mourns alongside my entire family.
Yes, yes this man was a leader. Fire chief, US Marine, father, grandfather, and friend, he pretty much did it all. How do you continue when your everything is gone? How do you continue to move forward when your heart continually breaks when everything you saw once reminded you of how lucky you were to have such an amazing grandpa, and now is a constant reminder of the enormous void in your life. A simple cup of coffee is now a painful event; he used to let me drink the last little bit in his cup, no matter how much my grandma would fuss.
I just need to keep reminding myself that yes, he's gone, but how BLESSED I was to grow up with such an amazing man; one who made people envious of me because he was my grandpa not theirs. Love is eternal and the love that he had for my grandma up until the day he died, and the love she will ALWAYS have for him is something that I strive for. So, for him.....I'm moving on. I'm going to live every day to the fullest because I don't know when it may be my last. Here's to you, gramps. Thanks for keeping me out of trouble for 22 years.....now you can work in co-op with the big man upstairs to make sure everything stays just peachy <3
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